Vulnerability and good Friendship...

We’re sometimes not too sure how we get into good friendships.

It seems to happen rather mysteriously: we talk of somewhat randomly “clicking” with people.

Trying to plan for it sounds like cheating. But there is something at the heart of many friendships that seems important to identify and – in a way – to get good at vulnerability.

It’s too easy to assume that what makes us likable are our strengths, our accomplishments, the things we’re proud of.

Certainly, this impresses, but it isn’t what draws others to us.

We get close to someone the more they – and we – find ourselves able gracefully to depart from the official story of what human beings are alike, and can start to show the awkward truths which underlie the cheerful facade.

We can only get close by revealing things that would, in the wrong hands, be capable of inflicting appalling humiliation on us.

Friendship is the dividend of gratitude that flows from an acknowledgment that one has offered something very valuable to someone: not a fancy present, but something even more precious, the key to one’s self-esteem and dignity.

It’s deeply poignant that we should expend so much effort on trying to look strong before the world – when, all the while, it’s really only ever the revelation of the somewhat embarrassing, sad, melancholy and anxious bits of us that are what makes us endearing to others, and can transform strangers into friends.

Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It’s brave. It’s tender. It’s impossible to connect without it.

But we’ve turned it into a weakness.

We’ve made ourselves ‘strong’. We’ve toughened up, hardened up, and protected ourselves from being hurt.

We’ve protected ourselves from vulnerability and disallowed the surrender.

Here’s the problem. When we close down our vulnerability we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy, and connection.

They come to us through the same door. When we close it to one, we close it to all.

Without vulnerability, relationships struggle, all kind of relationships.

Vulnerability is, ‘Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my affection. Be careful – they’re precious.’ In return, it invites, ‘Oh, I see you there. It’s okay, you’re safe. And here – here’s me.’ It builds trust, closeness, and a sense of belonging. Relationships won’t thrive without it.

Vulnerability is an openness to experiences, people, and uncertainty.

It’s terrifying at times, and brave always.